Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
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me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Happy birthday to all the women
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
My work here is done
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit