Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
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I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
“That’s what” – She
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Mad Max: Furry Road
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Natty or not?
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.