I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
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“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
HERE’S MARKY
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
i hate you platonically
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
*aggressively waits in line*
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2