Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
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My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”