me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
You Might Also Like
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Every house has this drawer
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.