Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
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[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
More like Kate Missington.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.