Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
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I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Does beer think about me too?
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU