I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
You Might Also Like
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.