When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
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Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
This kid will have a bright future.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
told the kids i had trouble with handwriting when i was little and 5yo asked if it was “because pens were made of feathers”
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.