The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
You Might Also Like
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
Unimpressed