You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
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We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
It’s the weekend y’all
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
In space, no one can hear…
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
This hospital has everything
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.