Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
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Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.