insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
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Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise