I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
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“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
The “baby” on the left….
My loaf of bread looks terrified
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.