My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
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tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Why does laundry happen to good people?
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.