*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
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Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
i think both sides are to blame here
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
LOL!
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this