I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
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PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
just left a huge legacy in there
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here