[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
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me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?