Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
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Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t