When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
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Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
New Tinder profile.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”