religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
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For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
This line from Airplane.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Well, this explains it:
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*