I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
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Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*