Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
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GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
That was easy.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
checking out some reviews of my local library
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.