*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
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ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
my name if I was in the mob
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.