Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
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You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
🙁
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.