Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
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Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant