[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
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I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude