Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
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What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car