Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
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19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite