*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
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pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
Meat Cute
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
My wedding will be open casket.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”