Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
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[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?