Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
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incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie