ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
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Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Breaking news:
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)