*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
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If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP