I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
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Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Jail
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us