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My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.