Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
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Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.