Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
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Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
The human personality is made of five key elements