[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
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Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk