Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
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me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.