When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
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flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.