Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
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Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.