Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
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Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.