Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
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Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.