A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
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Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
pelicons
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings