Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
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It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.