to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
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Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?