My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
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Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
This makes total sense…
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it