CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
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This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.