Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
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Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Saw your ex at the shops
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
is this a warning or an offer?
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.